Monty Python's Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
by Rosemunde
Summary: This fic was written for a challenge; a challenge to parody "Goblet of Fire," precisely. It answers the timeless question: what if the HP novels were made up of sketches from Monty Python? (I don't own the Harry Potter characters or the sketches of Mony
1. Default Chapter

A Fic For A Challenge

**THE BEGINNING OF THE FIC**

Soon after the publication of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, the (in)famous Monty Python crew decided that they wanted in on the Potter mania sweeping the globe. You'd think that, what with their long-running television series, hit movies and whatnot, that they'd be willing to let the Harry Potter characters have their deserved time in the spotlight. John Cleese is IN the Potter movies, for God's sake. But as we know, those blokes are jealous buggers, so of course they felt the need to "Pythonize" Harry Potter. According to completely unreliable sources, Cleese was the ringleader for this fiasco of a fic (as well as that alliteration just then). Really, doesn't Britain have room for more than one phenomenon? Bollocks, twenty years from now there'll probably be midnight showings of the Harry Potter movies…All the crazy fans dressed like the ruddy characters, screaming the bleeding lines at the screen…Wait, that analogy's more apt for _The Rocky Horror Picture Show _…But I digress. Since they haven't got any fresh material, the "Pythonizing" consisted mainly of stringing together some of the more popular Monty Python skits, then messing about with the names and settings. The lazy berks…Long story short, JK Rowling found out about this dastardly, ill-conceived plan. Put a stop to it, she did. Was in a right state (according to the aforementioned unreliable sources, it's the reason the Nearly-Headless Nick character only had a bit of a cameo in the second film). Anyway….

_WE'RE VERY SORRY_

We, the posters of this fic, would like to apologize for the outrageous lies that were fed to you, the unsuspecting reader, in the above section "THE BEGINNING OF THE FIC." John Cleese was in no way involved with the atrocity of a parody you are about to read, or any of the alliterations that occurred in the above rambling paragraph. None of the Monty Python crew had any knowledge of the sin against the art of writing that you are seconds away from perusing. The blame lies solely with an inane, uninspired authoress who put off the parody challenge she signed up for until two days before it was due to be posted. Again, we apologize. The writer of the drabbling rant of an introduction titled "THE BEGINNING OF THE FIC" ( a fan-poodle of the authoress) has been sacked.

ON WITH THE FIC!

_Harry Potter was an exceptional lad. He was about to start his fourth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, high in the Scottish…er…highlands. But there were dangers and surprises in store for young Harry Potter, such that he had never yet…_

What do you mean, Cleese had nothing to do with it? He's the one that pansied out at the last minute, sold us out to JKR, he did! And so she sicced her high-priced barristers on us, and they burned up most of the fic, and now we've only got seven scenes left! So now it's all jumbled up, it is! Damn that Cleese, the rotter! He…

_WE'RE VERY, VERY SORRY_

Again, we the posters of this fic would like to apologize for the behavior of this anti-John Cleese fanatic. Those responsible for the sacking of the authoress's fan-poodle have been sacked. Now let's begin…

THE FIC:

****

Harry Potter was an exceptional lad. He was about to start his fourth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, high in the Scottish…er…highlands. But …

Oy, you're not getting off that easy, you fic-posting prats! Of course I'm anti-Cleese, the great berk's the reason this fic's a right old mess! How dare you blame the authoress? You're a bunch of…

_WE'RE VERY, VERY, VERY SORRY_

The blame for this "parody" lies solely with the authoress, not with John Cleese, JK Rowling, or her high-priced barristers. We are certainly not prats. Those responsible for the sacking of those responsible for the sacking of the authoress's fan-poodle have been sacked. Now, on to…Oh, bollocks, let's just run the skits.

**MONTY PYTHON'S HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE**


	2. The Wizard Who Speaks in Anagrams

CHAPTER 7

Meeting Arthur Weasley's Work-mates

At the "Weezly" campsite at the Quidditch World Cup. The excellent joke about Archie and the Muggle dress has passed already. Arthur Weasley is pointing out the people he knows from the Ministry to Harry and Hermione, because none of his own children really care.

ARTHUR: Yes, there goes Cuthbert Mockridge, Head of the Goblin Liaison Office…

HERMIONE: Fascinating!

ARTHUR: Quite!…And that was Arnold Peasegood, an Obliviator.

HARRY: Accidental Magic Reversal Squad?

ARTHUR: Yes, very good, Harry!…ah, and there's Gilbert Whimple.

HARRY: Er…how long has he had those horns?

HERMIONE: Harry, that's not very nice, to just bring it up like that…

ARTHUR: No, no, quite all right, he's had them quite a while…Gilbert's with the Committee on Experimental Charms. And it looks like he's coming over…(waves to Gilbert)

RON: Dad, no!

ARTHUR: Ron, for heaven's sake!

RON: But Dad, he's a total nutter!

HARRY: Why, what's the matter with him?

ARTHUR: There's nothing the _matter_ with him. He's just a little…

FRED: Out of his tree?

GEORGE: Three hoops short of a Quidditch pitch?

ARTHUR: …Eccentric.

HERMIONE: Eccentric?

HARRY: Eccentric how?

RON: Eccentric as in he's the reigning king of barmy.

ARTHUR: Ron, keep your voice down, he's coming over here. He's not barmy, he's just got a bit of a speech impediment.

FRED: Dad, a lisp is a speech impediment…

GEORGE: …not speaking in anagrams.

HARRY: What? He speaks in…

RON: Anagrams, yeah. Total nutter, he is.

HARRY: I don't believe it. That's just…

RON: Well, see for yourself. Here he is.

Gilbert arrives at the group

GILBERT: Lelho, Ayeslew!

ARTHUR: Hello there, Gilbert. How are you?

GILBERT: Fipsfing, skanth.

Ron, Harry and the twins suppress snickers. Hermione is in awe of Whimple's verbal dexterity

ARTHUR: These are three of my children, Gilbert-Ron, Fred, and George.

GILBERT: Lelho, Nor, Ferd, Reggeo.

ARTHUR: And this is Hermione Granger…

GILBERT: Revy ecin ot etem you, Sims Ergnrag.

HERMIONE: Er…likewise, Mr. Whimple.

RON: (whispers) Yeah, spiffing to meet you, Miss Ergnrag.

HERMIONE: (whispers) Stop it, Ron!

ARTHUR: This is Harry Potter, Gilbert.

GILBERT: My! _Eth_ Rahry Terpot?

HARRY: Uh…yeah. That's me, all right.

RON: (whispers) "Rahry Terpot…" (snickers)

HARRY: (whispers) Oh, don't be such a kerb, Nor.

FRED: (whispers) Oy, Reggeo, aren't you going to stick up for our baby brother?

GEORGE: (whispers) You mean our "yabba throber," Ferd.

They laugh

GILBERT: Ah…Thaw's nunfy?

FRED: Nothing, sir. Nothing nunfy at all…

ARTHUR: Fred! Sorry about that, Gilbert.

GILBERT: It's othning, it's othning.

GEORGE: See, Dad? It's othning, so othning to worry tabou.

ARTHUR: George! Why don't you and Fred go…somewhere else, for a moment?

FRED: Sure. Come along, Reggeo.

GEORGE: Right-o, Ferd. Nice to see you, Mr. Phimlew!

Ferd and Reggeo…er, Fred and George leave

ARTHUR: I'm very sorry about those two, Gilbert. I'm sure they didn't mean anything.

GILBERT: Learly, it's othning. I'll mee you at the satch!

HERMIONE: Um, Mr. Whimple?

GILBERT: Yes, Giss Manger?

HERMIONE: Well, I just noticed…you're not speaking in anagrams anymore.

GILBERT: What?

RON: (whispering) Hermione, don't…

HARRY: (whispering) Just leave it alone…

HERMIONE: Well, those last two things you said; those were spoonerisms, not anagrams.

Pause

HERMIONE: (sheepish) Just saying.

GILBERT: Well, if you're going to split hairs, I'm going to piss off!

Gilbert storms away

HERMIONE: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend him, honest!

RON: Well, if you didn't have to be such a wonk-ti-lal all the time…

ARTHUR: That's enough, Nor! I mean, Ron! Listen, let's head down to the pitch, shall we?

RON: Sure, Dad. Coming, Rahry?

HARRY: Yeah, Nor.

They exit


	3. DADA ClassPet Shoppe Sketch

CHAPTER 14

The Unforgivable Curses

Harry, Ron, and Hermione, along with the rest of the fourth year Gryffindors, walk into Moody's Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Harry, Ron and Hermione are right up front. Moody clunks into the room.

MOODY: Put away your books. You won't need'em.

They put away their books.

MOODY: We're going to talk about the Unforgivable Curses. Who knows'em?

Ron, Neville, and Hermione raise their hands.

MOODY: You there, miss. (points to Ron)

RON: Er, what do you mean, "miss?"

MOODY: I'm sorry, I've got a cold. Do you know an Unforgivable Curse?

RON: Um, my dad told me about one…the Imperius.

MOODY: Yeah, the mind-control one. Not the one I'm looking for, though. You, there, miss. (points to Neville)

NEVILLE: Er…

MOODY: I've got a cold.

NEVILLE: Oh, right. The…uh…Cruciatus Curse.

MOODY: Yep, that's another of'em. You'd know about that, it's your major plot point, isn't it, son?

NEVILLE: Er…

MOODY: Never mind. It's the last curse I really want to get to…You there, the one who's really a miss.

HERMIONE: _Avada Kedavra._

MOODY: Ah yes, the last and worst. The Killing Curse. No blocking it, no reversing it. This young miss right here (points at Harry) is the only one who's ever survived it. Just so you'll all be ready to recognize it, should it ever happen…I'll demonstrate the Avada Kedavra.

HERMIONE: But sir…It's illegal!

MOODY: Dumbledore wants you all to be able to recognize these curses! You all need to practice CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

The students jump.

MOODY: All right, then. I've got this here toad…

NEVILLE: (gasps) _Trevor!_

MOODY: What?

NEVILLE: I…Sir, that's…

HERMIONE: Sir, that's Neville's pet!

MOODY: Can't be; it was runnin' around loose. I wouldn't Avada Kedavra someone's pet. Here.

Neville whimpers as Moody places Trevor the toad on the teacher's desk.

RON: Excuse me, Professor Moody, but I really think that's Neville's Trevor. He's been known to escape every once in a while.

HARRY: I think so too, Professor. Why don't we practice on something else?

MOODY: Because the damn toad's already on the desk. Now, observe. AVADA KEDRAVRA!

A flash of green light. Trevor lies dead on the teacher's desk.

NEVILLE: Oh no…Trevor…(begins to cry)

HERMIONE: Professor Moody, what did you do!

MOODY: _Avada Kedavra._ I thought you were the smartest witch in the year.

RON: Hermione _meant_: How could you kill Trevor!

MOODY: I didn't.

HARRY: Yes, you did! I can tell that's Trevor, he's been in our dorm for four years now!

MOODY: Er… (realizes he's indeed killed Trevor). I didn't kill him.

HARRY: But we just saw you!

RON: Don't lie to us, professor!

MOODY: I NEVER LIE, BOY! This toad's…resting.

RON: Professor, I know a dead toad when I see one!

HARRY: And we're looking at one right now!

MOODY: No, he's RESTING.

RON: He's stone-dead! (Neville whimpers) Sorry, Neville.

MOODY: I'm telling you, that toad ain't dead! He's resting, is all.

HARRY: All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!

Harry gets up and bends over Trevor. Ron follows. Harry shouts at the top of his voice.

HARRY: HELLO, TREVOR! LOOK, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME BOWFLIES IF YOU MOVE!

Trevor doesn't move. Harry and Ron glare at Moody. Moody nudges Trevor with his wand.

MOODY: There. He moved.

RON: No, he didn't! That was you nudging him with your wand!

MOODY: I never!

HARRY: Yes you did!

HERMIONE: Ron, Harry…Stop yelling at the professor!

RON: Hermione, he killed Neville's pet! (Neville whimpers) Sorry, Neville.

HERMIONE: But he didn't know…

HARRY: The point is Trevor's dead, and Professor Moody killed him!

MOODY: I never did anything!

RON: (bending over Trevor) HELLO, TREVOR! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

Ron picks Trevor up, and then lets him flop back down on the desk, lifeless.

HARRY: Now that's what I call a dead toad.

MOODY: No, no…he's stunned, is all!

HARRY: Stunned!

Neville comes to the front of the room. He picks up Trevor and cuddles him.

NEVILLE: Professor Moody, I've had about enough of this. Trevor is definitely deceased. He is not resting, and he is not stunned.

HARRY: Good for you, Neville. You tell him.

MOODY: Well, maybe he's just…pinin' for the garden pond.

RON: PINING for the POND?

HARRY: What kind of talk is that, professor? Why did Trevor just flop on the table when Ron dropped him?

MOODY: Because he's PININ'!

NEVILLE: He is not PINING! He's passed on!

RON: This toad is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker!

HARRY: He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If Neville weren't holding him in the air, he'd be pushing up daisies!

NEVILLE: His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the lily pad!

RON: He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off the mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-TOAD!

A pause.

MOODY: Well, I'd better replace him then.

NEVILLE: Thank you.

HARRY: Was that so hard, professor?

MOODY: Here. (rummages in pocket) I've got a slug.

Pause.

RON: (sweetly) Can it croak?

MOODY: No. It's a _slug_, boy.

RON: THEN IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT!

HERMIONE: Ron! Stop screaming at the professor!

MOODY: Listen, Neville…My cousin's got a pet shop in Diagon Alley. She'll replace your toad for you.

NEVILLE: I…

HARRY: (whispers) I'd take it, Neville…I think it's all you're going to get.

HERMIONE: You can share Crookshanks, Neville.

HARRY: And Hedwig.

RON: And Pig. But there's really not a lot of him to share.

NEVILLE: Oh…all right, I suppose.

Neville, Ron, and Harry walk back to their seats

MOODY: Yeah…well, I suppose you're dismissed. Remember: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!


	4. Harry Buys the Golden Egg

CHAPTER 20

The First Task

The corridor outside the Great Hall. Harry is about to tell Cedric what the first task is.

HARRY: _Diffindo!_

Cedric's bag rips open, spilling the contents on the floor. When he's alone, Harry walks over to him.

CEDRIC: Oh, hi, Harry. My bag…

HARRY: Cedric, the first task is dragons.

CEDRIC: What?

HARRY: Dragons.

CEDRIC: You mean, we have to get past them?

HARRY: Well, not exactly…

CEDRIC: Then what? And why are you telling me this?

HARRY: Only fair-now we're on an even footing. Anyway, the task doesn't just involve dragons.

CEDRIC: What could be harder than getting past a dragon?

HARRY: It's not the dragons we have to get past.

CEDRIC: Then what?

HARRY: Floor salesmen from Madam Malkin's Robes For All Occasions.

Pause.

CEDRIC: You're having me on.

HARRY: No, I'm serious! Hagrid showed me. I'm guessing that we have to get past the floor salesmen in order to get…something.

CEDRIC: You mean there are floor salesmen penned up next to dragons out there or something?

HARRY: Actually…yes.

CEDRIC: So where do the dragons come in?

HARRY: Well, I'm just guessing…But I think that the salesmen have dragon eggs that we need to get. Hagrid hinted at it, anyway.

CEDRIC: Well…Getting past salesmen shouldn't be too hard.

HARRY: No, not hard at all.

Awkward pause.

HARRY: Well, I thought I'd let you know. Good luck.

CEDRIC: Thanks, Harry. You too.

LATER…

Harry waits in the champion's tent for his name to be called for his turn to face the salesmen.

HARRY: So all I have to do is get a golden dragon's egg worth fifty Galleons from a Madam Malkin's salesman. Could be worse…They could be those snobby, pushy salesmen from Harrod's of London…Harrod's golden eggs would probably be more expensive, too.

LUDO BAGMAN'S VOICE: HARRY POTTER!

HARRY: Okay, here we go…

Harry walks out of the tent to the enclosure nearby. There's a little stage in the middle, dressed to look like Madam Malkin's robe shop in Diagon Alley. Two elegantly dressed wizards, one tall and spare, the other short and a bit chubby, are standing near one of the displays. Harry mounts the stage, wondering what to do.

HARRY: (to himself) Well, I'm in a shop…(out loud) Excuse me, I'm interested in buying a golden egg.

TALL WIZARD: Certainly, young sir! I'll get someone to help you. (turns to the short wizard) Mr. Travers!

BAGMAN(commentating): Incredible! Harry's being polite, and it's working!

TRAVERS: Can I help you, young sir?

HARRY: Yes. I'd like to buy a golden egg. For…er…fifty Galleons.

TRAVERS: I'm terribly sorry, young man, but our cheapest golden eggs are 500 Galleons.

HARRY: 500 Galleons? But I've only got…

BAGMAN: Well, folks, let's see if Harry knows how to haggle!

HARRY: I've only got fifty Galleons.

TALL WIZARD: I ought to have told you that Mr. Travers tends to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.

HARRY: I see.

TALL WIZARD: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

HARRY: All right. Er…So that means that your cheapest golden egg is…fifty Galleons?

TRAVERS: 500 Galleons, yes young sir.

HARRY: Well, what would you say to…500 Galleons?

BAGMAN: Oh, it looks like he's getting it! Harry's cottoning on!

TRAVERS: Fifty Galleons?

HARRY: Er…Well, yes.

TRAVERS: Sorry, I thought you said 500.

HARRY: I did, because that tall man said that you multiplied everything by ten.

TRAVERS: Do I?

HARRY: I guess…I really don't know.

TRAVERS: I suppose I could let the egg go for 400 Galleons.

HARRY: Oh, well, great! Here! (hands over the money bag)

TALL WIZARD: Of course, that doesn't include the clue that's inside.

HARRY: Oh…That's extra?

TALL WIZARD: Well, we don't just give them away.

HARRY: Okay. How about the forty…er, 400 Galleons for the egg, and then the rest for the clue?

TALL WIZARD: Sounds reasonable. Travers, will you show these ten young men to the golden eggs with the flobberworms inside?

HARRY: Flobberworms? No, no…I want the clue!

TALL WIZARD: I'm sorry, I should have told you: You have to say "flobberworm" to Mr. Travers, because if you say "clue," he puts a paper bag over his head.

HARRY: What!

BAGMAN: Oh, it looks like Harry's losing it! He'd better keep his cool!

HARRY: I…I mean, I see. Okay. Er, could you please show me the eggs with the flobberworms in them, Mr. Travers?

TRAVERS: Flobberworms?

HARRY: Yes, please.

TRAVERS: We don't sell those here. You'll have to go to the Magical Menagerie.

HARRY: Whaa…? No, no! I'd like to see the eggs with _flobberworms _inside.

TRAVERS: Yes, young sir. Magical Menagerie is where you'll find flobberworms.

HARRY: But I don't want to see FLOBBERWORMS! The tall man said that…

TRAVERS: Oh, what's he been telling you?

HARRY: But you were standing right…Oh, never mind. He said that I should say "flobberworm," because if I say "clue," you'll…

Travers puts a bag over his head.

HARRY:…do that. Oh no.

BAGMAN: Come on, now, Harry, you can figure this out!

TALL WIZARD: Did you say "clue" by any chance?

HARRY: Well, yeah, but not on purpose!

TRAVERS: (muffled) I'm not coming out!

TALL WIZARD: Didn't I tell you to say "flobberworm?"

HARRY: Well _yes_, but…

TRAVERS: (muffled) I won't come out!

BAGMAN: Come on, Harry!

TALL WIZARD: Sing to him.

HARRY: Huh?

TALL WIZARD: It's the only thing that helps. Sing.

HARRY: Er…

TALL WIZARD: Come along, now. Do you want that egg or not?

HARRY: Sing? But…(sighs) Okay. Any song in particular?

TRAVERS: (muffled) I'm not picky.

HARRY: Uh…Okay. Let's see…_Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts_…

BAGMAN: Good show, Harry!

HARRY: _It's been three years, I can't remember all the words_…

TALL WIZARD: There you are, it's working!

HARRY: _Um…Something about dead flies…Bits of fluff…Scabby knees…_

Travers begins to lift the bag off of his head.

HARRY: _Bald and old, teach me something, please…Oh, I feel like a prat…_

Travers takes the bag off his head.

TRAVERS: What a lovely song. Here's your egg, young man.

Hands Harry a golden egg.

HARRY: Uh…wow…thank you. And…this one's got a…_flobberworm_ in it?

TALL WIZARD: No, for Merlin's sake! It's got a clue in it!

Travers promptly pulls the bag back over his head.

TALL WIZARD: Oops…

HARRY: Okay. I think I'm done, then. Um, thank you.

TALL WIZARD: Of course!

TRAVERS: (muffled) Come again!

Harry walks back to the champion's tent, to the cheers of the crowd, heartily embarrassed and clutching his hard-won egg.

BAGMAN: Good show, Harry! Harry was the only champion to actually sing a song! Of course, a few points will have to be deducted, because Travers put the bag over his head twice. But still…Absolutely spiffing, Harry!


	5. The Book of the Fic

CHAPTER 24

Rita Skeeter's Scoop

In Grubbly-Plank's class, Harry and Ron are discussing where Hagrid could be.

HARRY: Ron, what do you reckon's wrong with Hagrid?

RON: You think maybe a Skrewt…

MALFOY: Oh, he hasn't been attacked, if that's what you're thinking. Just too ashamed to show his big, ugly face.

HARRY: What do you mean?

Malfoy hands Harry a newspaper.

MALFOY: Hate to break it to you, Potter.

Harry and Ron look down at the newspaper. They read….

THE BOOK OF THE FIC

CHAPTER 24:

Those Not Appearing in the Fic, Except For This Bit Here

The **Dursley family **of number four, Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey, are the first ones not to be appearing in this fic. They are all three very normal, thank you very much. It is perfectly normal to have no neck, or horse-teeth, or to be as large as a young killer whale. Five-time winner of _Witch Weekly's _Most Charming Smile Award, **Gilderoy Lockhart**, is nowhere to be found in this fic either. Just as well, as he his currently in St. Mungo's, as his brain broke two years ago. **Remus Lupin**, the most lovable of former DADA professors, is also not appearing in this fic. Which is too bad, really-this fic would have done well to have his quiet, intelligent, kindly, and chocolate-loving influence. The **Patil sisters**, the prettiest girls in Harry's year, are sadly not in this fic either. As they are very pretty, this is a mite disappointing. True enough, Lockhart's not bad to look at either what with that charming smile, and Lupin has his good points, but this fic would be corking if the Patil twins were in it. As it is, it's pretty much bollocks, ain't it? Damn that John Cleese, I'm tellin' you…All his bloody fault. If it weren't for him, nobody'd've found us out! We could've included the werewolf, the fat Muggle, the blond wizard, the charming Patil sisters...But _no_-Cleese had to go and…

_WE'RE EXTRAORDINARILY SORRY_

We, the posters of this fic, were positive that the rabid fan-poodle from THE BEGINNING OF THE FIC had been got rid of. Please forgive the interruption, he must have sneaked past our security trolls, they've been a bit tetchy with us lately…Anyway, we will take every precaution to ensure that you, the reader, will not be harassed again. If you'll please just direct your attention to the next chapter, we are sure that…

Oh, you ain't going to get rid of me that easy, ya bunch of tossers!

So very sorry, reading public. We…Oy, there he goes! Down the drainpipe! After him! Grab his ankles…Get that bloody keyboard away from him!

Gerroff me! You let…go…!

Fat…bloody…chance…Ah! There we are. That's it for you, you anti-Cleese propagandist! We'll see that you STAY out!

STAND AND FIGHT, YOU DOGS! YOU SCURVY CURS!

He's mental…a raving bloody lunatic…Yes, that's it, get him out of here before he harms one of the canon characters.

_BEG PARDON FOR THE INTERRUPTION_

Everything is now under control. On with the fic.

…still in Care of Magical Creatures class...

MALFOY:…kids, ha ha!

HARRY: You-

GRUBBLY-PLANK: Are you paying attention over there?

**Bollocks, we missed it…**


	6. Harry and the Black Knight

CHAPTER 31

The Third Task

Harry has just entered the hedge maze. He meets the Blast-Ended Skrewt.

HARRY: _Stupefy!_

The spell rebounds.

HARRY: _Stupefy! Stupefy! IMPEDIMENTA!_

The Skrewt freezes, and Harry runs down another path. He doesn't know what to expect. Then suddenly, guarding a junction…

HARRY: The Black Knight?

The Knight just stares at him, leaning on his sword.

HARRY: Um, could I get past you please?

KNIGHT: Who DARES challenge the BLACK KNIGHT!

HARRY: I'm not challenging you.

Silence. The Knight continues to stare at Harry.

HARRY: What do I have to do?

The Knight stares.

HARRY: Do we…duel, or something? I haven't got a sword, and you haven't got a wand…so…

The Knight stares.

HARRY: You make me sad. But never mind.

Harry turns to take a different path, but the Knight blocks him.

KNIGHT: None shall pass.

HARRY: But…I'm trying to go in the opposite direction.

KNIGHT: None shall pass.

HARRY: I'm not _trying_ to pass you! (pause) Oh, well…I am now, I guess. (raises his wand) I need to past you, come on!

KNIGHT: Then you shall die.

HARRY: How are we going to duel? I'll just blast you with a spell before you can draw your sword.

KNIGHT: Will your spells penetrate my armor?

HARRY: Er…

KNIGHT: Stand and fight!

The Black Knight tosses Harry a sword…from somewhere…

HARRY: Well, thanks…I guess.

KNIGHT: Have at you!

Harry pockets his wand and picks up the sword. The duel lasts for ten seconds before Harry delivers a blow that chops the Knight's left arm off at the shoulder.

HARRY: Sorry about that…Now stand aside!

KNIGHT: (glancing at his bloody shoulder) 'Tis but a scratch!

HARRY: A scratch? Your arm's off!

KNIGHT: No, it isn't.

HARRY: (points to arm on the ground) Well, what's that then?

KNIGHT: I've had worse.

HARRY: Are you insane?

KNIGHT: Come on, you pansy!

HARRY: Fine!

They have another ten second duel, before Harry chops the Knight's sword-arm off.

HARRY: There, I think I win. But…Sorry I chopped your arms off.

Harry starts to walk away, but the Knight hops to block his path again

HARRY: What are you doing? I won!

KNIGHT: Come on then!

Knight kicks Harry in the leg

HARRY: Ow! What was that for?

KNIGHT: Had enough, then? Come on, come on!

HARRY: You stupid…You don't have any arms left!

KNIGHT: Yes I have.

HARRY: What! Look!

KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound!

Kicks Harry again

HARRY: Ow! Knock it off! I don't have time for this!

KNIGHT: (still kicking) Had enough yet? Ready to surrender?

HARRY: No! Ouch! Stop that! I'll cut your leg off!

Harry is kicked

HARRY: Right.

Harry chops off one of the Knight's legs. Now the Knight is hopping around on one leg, bleeding profusely.

KNIGHT: Oh, I'll have you for that!

HARRY: (astounded) You'll what!

KNIGHT: Come here!

HARRY: What are you going to do? Bleed on me?

KNIGHT: I'm INVINCIBLE!

HARRY: You're a nutter, is what you are!

KNIGHT: The Black Knight ALWAYS triumphs!

HARRY: Please don't make me…

KNIGHT: Have AT you!

HARRY: Okay, fine.

Harry chops the Knight's other leg off. Now the Black Knight is just a torso propped up on the ground.

HARRY: Urgh. Sorry…Wow, that's incredibly disgusting…

KNIGHT: Fine, we'll call it a draw.

HARRY: Sure, fine. Whatever.

Harry drops the sword near the Knight, and takes out his wand again. He moves down the path, with the Knight screaming after him:

KNIGHT: Running away eh? Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!


	7. Always Look On The Bright Side

CHAPTER 34

Priori Incantatem

The Abbreviated Ending

The graveyard. Voldemort has just been reborn, and has finished his Bond-villain bit. Harry is tied to Tom Riddle Sr.'s gravestone.

VOLDEMORT: (to his Death Eaters) You see, I think, how foolish it was to suppose that this boy could ever have been stronger than me. I'm going to kill him now, where there's no Dumbledore to save him, no mother to die for him…However, I'm an evil overlord completely secure with myself, so I've got nothing to prove.

WORMTAIL: Master…All respect…I thought the general plan was that you would allow Potter to fight, to prove that you were stronger…My Lord.

VOLDEMORT: Wormtail, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

WORMTAIL: T-t-that you have n-n-nothing to prove, my Lord?

VOLDEMORT: Exactly. Plans change as circumstances change. My loyal servant back at Hogwarts had more brains than I gave him credit for. Why duel with Potter when I can kill off almost the entire cast in one go?

Silence. Harry, still muddled from the Cruciatus Curse, just stares at Voldemort

LUCIUS: The…entire cast, my Lord?

VOLDEMORT: Observe.

Voldemort makes a sweeping gesture with his arm to the gravestones behind Harry. A gasp is heard from the group of Death Eaters, along with some scattered triumphant laughter. Harry strains to see, but as he's tied up, it's no good.

LUCIUS: My Lord, if I may…How did your servant manage _this_?

VOLDEMORT: NEVER question what I or my most trusted Death Eaters do, Lucius! EVER!

LUCIUS: Beg pardon, My Lord.

VOLDEMORT: Besides, it's none of your business.

LUCIUS: Oh…yes, My Lord.

VOLDEMORT: The point is, our sides are just about even-only we have the advantages of being stronger and not tied to gravestones.

There's laughter from the Death Eaters. Harry doesn't believe what he's hearing-he's sure it's a trick.

VOLDEMORT: All right, Death Eaters, fan out, choose a victim or two, wands out…(looks to Harry) I'll kill you personally. But I wouldn't take from you the excitement of seeing all of your loved ones die first.

Voldemort waves his wand, and Harry, still tied up, somehow winds up on the other side of the gravestone. He looks, and spits out the gag in surprise.

HARRY: I…don't believe this. No, it just can't be…

Most of the other cast members are also tied to gravestones. Ron and Hermione are on Harry's right and left; Sirius is a few stones away, next to Hagrid and McGonagall; the entire Weasley family occupies a cluster of gravestones around Ron. Even Snape is there, tied to a lone monument. And Dumbledore is tied to a stone directly across from Harry.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, hello, Harry.

HARRY: I…DUMBLEDORE, DO SOMETHING!

VOLDEMORT: "DUMBLEDORE, DO SOMETHING!" Please, desist with the melodramatics, boy.

HARRY: Let them go! It's me you want, just kill me, don't hurt them!

DUMBLEDORE: Now, Harry, don't get all excited.

VOLDEMORT: How can YOU be so calm, Dumbledore? I'm going to kill you as well! Right before I finish off Potter!

DUMBLEDORE: What have I always said, Tom? There are worse things than death. Much worse things.

HARRY: Why are you so willing to do this! What's wrong with everyone!

SIRIUS: We care about you, Harry.

SNAPE: _I _was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, myself…

SIRIUS: Shut up!

MOLLY: Stop it, both of you! Don't make Harry feel worse…(to Harry) Don't worry dear, everything is going to be just fine.

HERMIONE: We figured out something that even Voldemort doesn't know, Harry…that's how we ended up here without a fight.

RON: And why we're all okay with it.

HARRY: But…what…THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US ALL! VOLDEMORT'S GOING TO WIN!

DUMBLEDORE: No, he isn't.

HARRY: Why?

DUMBLEDORE: (to the rest of the group) Shall I tell him?

SIRIUS: Just don't let Voldemort hear it, Professor Dumbledore.

VOLDEMORT: I'm standing right here! Besides, I'm sure I already know.

HARRY: Know WHAT?

DUMBLEDORE: That this isn't the way the book's supposed to end. We've got a new author for this little…adventure.

HARRY: So…This isn't the way it's supposed to happen?

VOLDEMORT: No, the real ending is much more traumatic for you…And I was _much_ more chilling. I prefer that ending.

SNAPE: It's not as though this one stands. It's not even real. Just a bizarre little footnote to our lives.

HARRY: We're not going to die?

RON: Come on, mate…How can we all die in one go? It'd be pretty anti-climactic, wouldn't it?

HERMIONE: And anyway, Harry, _you're_ guaranteed to make it at least to the end of Book 7.

HARRY: That's true…But I don't want you guys to get hurt.

SIRIUS: Oh, we won't. I have to say, I'm having a pretty good time…exciting, being tied to a tombstone in an overgrown churchyard.

SNAPE: Well, you always were…No, never mind, that's too easy.

DUMBLEDORE: Don't worry, Harry. It'll just be a little bit of a bump, so to speak, and then we'll get put back in our proper places in the septology.

HARRY: So we'll all be okay? For now, anyway?

RON: That's about the size of it.

HERMIONE: So just don't worry. It might be a fascinating experience to write about, having a fictional death and all.

HARRY: Sure, Hermione.

DUMBLEDORE: So you see, Harry? It's nothing. And Tom here gets to pretend that he's managed to kill us all off, at least once.

VOLDEMORT: Shut up! Just for that bit of cheek, Dumbledore, I'm cutting off this ridiculous conversation! Death Eaters, form a ring, wands out, get ready to _Avada Kedavra_!

HARRY: Dumbledore, you're sure no one will get hurt.

DUMBLEDORE: Yes, Harry, really I am. All of us are going to be fine.

A bit of a pause as the Death Eaters form a ring around the captives.

HAGRID: C'mon, now, everybody! If Dumbledore says there ain't nothin' ter worry abou', then there ain't nothin' ter worry abou'!

FRED: Hagrid's right!

GEORGE: How about a song, before we shuffle off the fictional coil?

MOLLY: I don't think now's the time, George.

ARTHUR: Why not, Molly? I agree with Hagrid. Absolutely nothing to worry about.

MOLLY: Arthur, look at Harry! He doesn't look all that convinced!

HARRY: Well, I have to say…I'm really not. Sorry, Dumbledore, but the Death Eaters are about to do a fictional Avada Kedavra, and Voldemort is standing right behind me!

SIRIUS: Well, would a song cheer you up, Harry?

RON: Yeah, why not? Let's have a song!

DUMBLEDORE: A song…I do love music. It's the very best kind of magic. And I do believe I've got the perfect tune for the occasion.

Dumbledore clears his throat, then smiles at Harry

DUMBLEDORE: Now cheer up, Harry. You know what they say:

Some things in life are bad.

They can really make you mad.

Other things just make you swear and curse.

FRED and GEORGE: Python! Wicked, Dumbledore!

DUMBLEDORE: Thank you. (continues with the song)

When you're chewing on life's gristle,

Don't grumble. Give a whistle!

And this'll help things turn out for the best.

And…

Always look on the bright side of life.

Fred, George, Arthur, Ron, Hermione, and Hagrid whistle.

DUMBLEDORE: Always look on the light side of life! (spoken) Go ahead, do the next bit, Sirius.

SIRIUS: All right then.

When life seems jolly rotten,

There's something you've forgotten,

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing!

When you're feeling in the dumps,

Don't be silly chumps.

Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing!

And…

Always look on the bright side of life!

Whistling. McGonagall joins in.

DUMBLEDORE: Always look on the light side of life! (spoken) Come along, everyone, join in if you know it!

For life is quite absurd,

And that's the final word.

You must always face the curtain with a bow.

Forget about your sin,

Give the audience a grin.

EVERYONE: Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow.

So…

HARRY: Always look on the bright side of death.

Whistling.

EVERYONE: Just before you draw your terminal breath.

Whistling.

DUMBLEDORE: Severus, your turn!

SNAPE: I most certainly will not.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, come along, none of us are going to remember this, anyway.

SNAPE: Fine.

Life's a piece of shit,

When you look at it,

Life's a laugh, and death's a joke it's true.

I'm done.

HARRY: I'll pick up, then.

You'll see it's all a show,

Keep'em laughing as you go.

Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And…

Always look on the bright side of life!

And so this is where this version of the story ends. Harry and most of the people he cares about tied to gravestones in the Little Hangleton churchyard, surrounded by Death Eaters, and singing a cheery song. Good for them. And they all come out fine, in case you were wondering.

EVERYBODY!

Always look on the bright side of life!

(Whistling)

Always look on the bright side of life!

(Whistling)

SNAPE: Worse things can happen in the Potions lab, you know.

Always look on the bright side of life!

(Whistling)

Always look on the bright side of life!

(Whistling)

SIRIUS: What have you got to lose? You come from nothing.

Always look on the bright side of life!

(Whistling)

Always look on the bright side of life!

(Whistling)

DUMBLEDORE: You're going back to nothing. What have you lost?

HARRY: Nothing!

Always look on the bright side of life!

(Whistling)

Always look on the bright side of life!

(Whistling)

HAGRID: So cheer up, there, everybody! Give us a grin, c'mon!

Always look on the bright side of life!

(Whistling)

Always look on the bright side of life!

(Whistling)

DUMBLEDORE: And here's the real end of this story.

FRED: And incidentally…

GEORGE:…the record is available by owl post.

Always look on the bright side of life!

HERMIONE: I don't know what this new author was thinking…

(Whistling)

HARRY: I know. She's never going to get her reputation back.

Always look on the bright side of life!

RON: Who do you think would read this rubbish?

(Whistling)

HARRY: Dunno. Let's just finish up.

Always look on the bright side of life!

Always look on the light side of life!

Always look on the bright side of life!

**END**


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